I have drowned myself in getting our homeschool yearbook out to try and not think about things.  Now that I have it almost completed  I can no longer hide ...  I miss you so much Momma!

A crazy day that is ALMOST funny ...NOT!

Today started out with a simple task (or so we thought) of getting my name put on my Dad's bank account so we would not run into any problems if something should happen to him.

When we went to the bank part of the way though the process the bank agent told us she needed to see an ID for Dad.  After my Dad had the stroke his drivers license eventually expired and we did not think anything about it since he was not able to drive.  I told her we had planned to get a state ID but could she use his expired license to get things done now.   She was adamant that no she could not do anything unless he had a valid photo ID and it could not be expired.   So we realized that to do things we were going to get him a state ID first. 

We were off to the tag agency to do that but when we got there we were told that we would have to go to the office in Broken Arrow first (it was a 2 step process) then once we were cleared from them we could go to the tag agency to get the actual ID. 

Once at the Broken Arrow drivers licence office if went rather smoothly (since I had told my Dad to bring his birth certificate just in case) and the place was almost empty.  The only problem was with Dad sitting in a wheel chair he could not reach the finger print machine so they had to over ride that.  Before leaving I asked them where the nearest tag agency was from them and we were off to find them.

At the tag agency we got inside and was asked by a counter full of ladies if they could help us and when they found out we needed a state ID we were pointed to a long line of teenagers down a narrow hallway that I was not sure how I was going to get the wheel chair down. The teens were pointing to the end of the line making sure we did not cut in front of them.  We waited about 5 minutes until a man came in and butted in front of the line and I blew up and said we would go to another tag agency. 

We ended up going to the first tag agency and got the state ID without any real problems. One thing I noticed was at every place we went only one place someone offered to open or hold the door for us.

By this time it was pushing 4:00 pm when the inside lobby of the bank closes.  We went to a different location since the first bank agent we dealt with seemed like she was not too willing to help us.  We arrived at this new bank about 3:58 pm , when we got inside they pretty much locked the doors behind us.  That was close.  This was the first location we had been to that had handicap doors that opened. We did what needed to be done and the bank agent at this bank was very helpful.  Wow what a difference!  She never even asked for an ID from my Dad she asked for mine.  When we told her about the first bank she shook her head and said that they would have looked at his expired license to see that it was him and then compared his signature on the bank files.  OMG!!! We had just wasted 3 hours.   Although we still would have had to do the state ID if we had come to this bank first it would have saved us a lot of stress.

I had not eaten anything this morning so by this time I had no patience and was close to having a psycho moment myself so I took my Dad to our house and fed him.  Then I went and got Dads groceries and took him home.

I counted by the time I had picked Dad up till the time I took him home I had taken the wheel chair in and out of the truck 15 times in the span of 7 hours.  No wonder I am exhausted and I think I wore my Dad out too.  He has therapy tomorrow so he will feel like he got a work out 2 days in a row.

Rehearsal

Tonight was Kari's graduation rehearsal.  It was also the first time I have been out around people and I made myself sick from stressing out from if people would ask questions etc...  And they didn't really but couldn't stop myself from stressing about it.  I have not really went anywhere unless I had to since my Mom died.  The only people I have been around is my immediate family.  So I took a hot tub bath and alka-seltzer and it helped some.

I can not sleep tonight.  When I lay my head down all it all rushes in on me.

I had made my Mom a religious CD to play non stop in her room. This music was played non stop 24/7.   I had a copy of it too and when I would drive daily to visit her I would play one song over and over again.  I think if you looked at the bottom of the CD you would find it had grooves in it from playing it over over so many times.  That song was Glorious Day by Casting Crowns.  When I would hear that song sometimes I would cry out to God for that glorious day to take me away from all the pain. I think it is human to wonder why something has to be the way it is.  My Mom was in this condition for the last 5 years and you can't help but ask why it was so long and was she in pain and suffering.  I do not know the answers to all these questions but I know God knows and there must be a reason for everything.  An answer I may never know until I get to heaven.    Maybe it was to prepare me for her to go home.  I hope it was not for that reason.  I did not want to let go or give up. But it had reached a point till I could not bear to see my Mom go through any more. I was the one who seen her everyday... I loved her and wanted mercy for her. That morning on April 24th when they called me that they had called EMSA and on my drive there that was my prayer for her that if she was not to be healed to have mercy and do whatever was best for her. I had not grown tired or given up but Mom was tired.  

Trouble focusing

I know this blog does not get read so this is my therapy for today by trying to focus by putting my thoughts down in this post.  It may not make sense but it is an attempt to try and get my thoughts out.

 It is difficult to focus on anything.  Just getting out of bed and starting the day seems daunting some days.  Sometimes I am not sure where the time goes when all I had to do was get in the shower and get dressed.
Sometimes I cry at the drop of the hat.  I can not complete a train of thought.  Ken was frustrated at me at first because I would start to tell him something and never finish it.  In my mind I had finished it but the words simply never came out.   I also do things without having any memory of it.   Like when they found something from the fridge in the cupboard etc...Ken told me he thought I was having post traumatic stress due to the fact of how I witnessed my Mother's death.
I just feel confused and can not focus on what needs to be done.

Right now I am trying to focus on one thing at a time.  Our youngest graduates from high school this weekend and I can not focus on anything but that for right now.  I am overwhelmed when I try to do more than one thing at a time.

I know God will help me get through this but for now it is one day, one task at a time.